Peeing on a Plane

In January of 1998, I finished college with my final credit: guitar. No, I don’t play. Took it pass/fail, and somehow passed! I came home, and after subbing a handful of days in a private school in my neighborhood, my mom and I set off on one of our grandest adventures. We took a Rick Steves tour and traveled Italy for a month, returning just in time for graduation. It was an amazing trip. We had so much fun together, drank quite a bit of wine, and saw everything on my art history bucket list: Sistine Chapel, the David, Giotto’s frescoes, Byzantine mosaics…I could go on and on. ☺️

If you’ve ever been on a tour, you know that there are packing restrictions as far as how much and what to bring. For instance, I brought one pair of shoes. Yeah, you heard me. I survived (barely) on one pair of shoes for a month! (I’m making up for it this trip. I refuse to say how many pairs I brought…😂). They were a closed toe Teva that was comfortable like the water sandal, but looked nice enough for a dress. 

So after four weeks of traveling, we headed home on British Airways. It was a looooong flight, and we weren’t able to sit together. Midway through the flight I headed for the restroom. After a month of questionable toileting, I entered the black hole with confidence. I’m squatting, minding my own business, when BAM! Turbulence. Lots of turbulence. I got thrown around the pint sized bathroom  like I was laundry on spin cycle. In case your mind hasn’t already gone there, let me tell you what happens when liquid finds a nice new path on a dry surface. Yup, it sticks to that new path with a vengeance. 

And so, there I was, in the bathroom, my shoes filled with my own urine. I mean, I did a decent clean up job, but it’s not like there’s room to take off your shoes and wash your feet in there. I squished and slushed with every step as I drug myself back to my seat. Remember, we’re not sitting together, so A, my travel partner didn’t really know that I had been missing all that long, and B, was not picking up the nuanced hand signals I had was putting down.  The rest of the flight went by very slowly, and I ended the humiliation by catching the attention of not one, but two dogs in the immigration/passport area. Sure, they are trained too sniff for explosives, drugs, whatever, but these dogs were pretty interested in the strong urine smell I was emitting from my shoes. Leather was still damp. 

So I don’t pee on planes! That’s the bottom line. I mean, obviously you cannot hold fast and true to that rule, but on anything shorter than Europe, I do my best. On our flight from Portland to Honolulu on Tuesday, I was really pacing my fluid intake. The captain came on and said that we had one hour and fifty minutes left, and that they were going to be bumpy minutes. I get motion sick, so that freaked me out, so I begrudgingly decided to go to the bathroom so I didn’t have to worry about peeing AND puking. 

The open bathroom had toilet paper all over the floor. ALL over the floor. But I thought - whatever, just forge ahead.  I finish my business, do not get sucked out to space when the toilet flushes, and get outta dodge. I’m five, maybe six rows on my way back to my seat when I hear someone talking in my direction. I turn around to se a flight attendant putting on rubber gloves and motioning to me. Another one pops up behind and inquires if there’s a puker. I turned in a little circle looking for whomever they were talking to. That’s when he pointed to the ground. I was marching back to my seat with ALL the toilet paper from the bathroom behind me, sort of like a wedding veil. It went down the aisle, back to the bathroom, and under the door. Oh, and was currently making  a little ball in the aisle while I turned in circle. It had to have been at lest 10 feet of TP! The flight attendant, of course, was so kind. He grabbed all toilet paper, and then washed  my shoe (awkwardly since I was still wearing it, but washed it all the same.). A third flight attendant arrived on the scene and declared that I shouldn’t be embarrassed, that it happens all the time. Hm.  I mean, I fly several times a year, and I’ve never seen that happen! Pretty sure I would remember. 

I didn’t die of embarrassment, didn’t puke because of the turbulence, but did enjoy a fruity beverage when we were back on land! Now we're in Hawaii, and such folly is, mostly, behind me. But I am planning a day of dehydration for the plane ride back! 😜

Aloha.🌺