Well, I have finally calmed down. It might surprise people to know that I am…psychotic? when it comes to laundry. Actually, if you had the misfortune of living with me in college, I think you probably have PTSD from it. Especially Akili; my apologies. I adopted laundry rage at an early age. I think it was before 5th grade that I started doing my own laundry. What? I’m a parent’s dream, right? Probably not. I was pretty sure that my mom was ruining my clothes. I’m 100% sure, now, that our machines were old and rusty. Be that as it may, I’m VERY particular about how my clothes are washed, what products are purchased, how things are dried, and basically E V E R Y T H I N G about laundry. Yes, my family is receiving counseling and gifts to help them cope. I believe something in a dark rum is preferred. But then again, I know my alcohol like I know my swearing. Which leads me back to calming down.
I stroll in from a Monday at work to find the horror of all horrors awaiting me in our communal laundry space. Steam was literally rolling out of my ears. At moments like these I want to be Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men”. You know the line I’m talking about? No, not that one. That one was Tom Cruise. Everyone can handle the truth about the laundry — I am the queen of it. I’m talking about when Colonel Nathan R Jessup shouts from the stand: You’ve 🤬ed with the wrong marine!!! If I ever take up swearing, I’m totally doing that one. I think it in my head occasionally (with the bleep, obviously). Sometimes in 5th grade you have to remember your own power, and take the reins back. (PS That day was recently called Friday.) So, I didn’t say those words during the laundry incident, but I did make two phone calls, file a grievance, and start an inquisition. But oh how hilarious it would have been if I had uttered those words!
Before Colonel Jessup, my first swear crush was Blanche Devereaux. Rue McClanahan was so sassy and sophisticated as a Southern belle of sorts in Golden Girls. “Damn straight” she would say. That seemed so scandalous and risqué. But she also said it so effortlessly - it just rolled off the tongue. I think I worked on integrating that into a conversation for at least a decade.
Um, is anyone else seeing this? Rue McClanahan? Jack Nicholson! My swearing heroes are twice my age. Or dead. Bloody hell. Obviously that one’s from Harry Potter, so does that even it all out? Ha!
In summary, as this 5th grade teacher does, I did not swear at anyone, or shout funny movie quotes with expletives in them. I simply explained that this was not how I expected laundry to go in my absence. I think it was clear. You might even say it was “crystal clear”. (Do you see what I did there? Ha!).
If you, or anyone you know, is living with a classroom teacher, you’re not alone. Help is available.
